When a Loved One Needs Assisted Living or Memory Care
I was fortunate not to have to face this difficult conversation with my own parents. My father died young, and my mother was able to remain in her home, with support, until the end of her life.
Recently, though, I helped a close friend navigate this emotionally charged situation with her own mother. While her mother didn’t yet require memory care, it had become unsafe for her to live alone. Age-related cognitive changes were affecting her judgment and personality, making it harder for the family to reason with her in the ways that had worked before.
Once a very social person, she had begun isolating herself. Normally a very analytical and practical person, she countered discussions about making changes with irrational arguments. After months of increasingly direct conversations meant to help her come to the decision on her own, the family realized that, for her safety, the conversation needed to be more decisive.
It culminated in a kind of intervention, involving children, grandchildren, and a sibling. In that final, necessary conversation, the family gently and lovingly told her she would be moving to the assisted living facility she had visited several times. Although the decision wasn’t fully hers, she came to accept it. Now settled in her new home that fits her needs, she is happy and has become a social butterfly again.
Tips for Having the Conversation
Talking with a parent about moving to assisted living or memory care can be emotionally challenging, but approaching it with sensitivity, empathy, and preparation can make it more productive and less painful.
Prepare in Advance:
- Create a list of concerns
- Write down the key points you want to discuss to stay focused.
- Think about conversation starters such as, “How is it living at home alone?” or “Do you feel safe?” (WhereYouLiveMatters.org has some nice conversation starters in their online article, Tips for Talking to Aging Parents About Senior Living Choices.)
- Educate yourself about assisted living and memory care facilities, their benefits, and services.
- Anticipate your parent’s possible questions or concerns, and prepare thoughtful responses.
Choose the Right Time and Place:
- Or maybe more realistically stated, choose the right times and places. This conversation may need to occur over multiple discussions as your parent processes the information and emotions.
- Find a quiet, comfortable, and private space where you can talk without distractions or interruptions.
- Select a times when both you and your parent are relatively relaxed and not rushed.
- Consider if it is beneficial to involve other family members in the conversation to provide support and a united front.
Be Empathetic and Understanding:
- Approach the conversation with empathy and understanding, not pity. No one wants their adult child to feel sorry for them. Listen and acknowledge your parent’s feelings and emotions.
- Listen carefully and acknowledge feelings, even if you disagree.
- Express your love and concern for their well-being.
- Be prepared for emotional responses such as anger, sadness, or resistance, and remain patient.
Involve Your Parent in the Decision-Making Process:
- Ask for your parent’s input and preferences whenever possible.
- Address concerns honestly and respectfully.
- Include them in choices; tour facilities together, review options, and discuss trial stays if available.
Provide Reassurance:
- Let them know you will remain involved and visit regularly.
- Reassure them that their happiness and comfort are your top priorities.
- Some facilities may offer a trial stay. Suggest this option to ease the transition if your parent is hesitant.
Seek Professional Guidance:
- If the conversations stall or become too emotional, consider involving a social worker, therapist, or counselor to mediate and provide guidance.
Bottom line:
This is not a one-time discussion. This conversation may need to occur over multiple discussions as your parent processes the information and emotions. Be patient and flexible, and ensure that your parent feels heard and respected throughout the process.
RESOURCES
Interested in learning more? Explore these in-depth articles for deeper insights.
- Talking with Seniors About Moving: Tips for a Positive Conversation – Institute on Aging
- Tips for Talking to Aging Parents About Senior Living Choices – WhereYouLiveMatters.org
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Joanne Bedwell, PT, is the Resident Blogger at Be Active Be Well. Based in San Francisco, she lives with her husband and two nearly grown daughters. With over 25 years of experience as a physical therapist, she provides in-home client care and teaches fitness classes both in person and online.
DISCLAIMER: This article contains information that is intended to help the readers be better informed regarding health care issues. It is presented as general advice on health care and is not intended to be a substitute for the medical advice of a licensed physician. The reader should consult with their doctor in any matters relating to his/her health.
